“You’re no good! You just make things worse for those around you!”
“If you truly love them you’ll leave them! They’ll be better off without you!”
“Come on! There’s no point to this thing, it’s useless, just off yourself already!”
“There’s no redemption for the likes of you, you’re damaged goods!”
“Come on! You’re still not over this?”
“You’re just exaggerating! Nothing’s wrong with you, you’re just not trying hard enough”
“Give up! Give up! Give up! Hahahaha”
“You’re a joke!”
These are some of the things the voice whispers to me. It never yells though, it just calmly puts these suggestions in my mind. My thoughts aren’t my own anymore, in fact, I can’t even tell the voices apart. It sounds like my better judgement trying to talk me out of being so naive. The voice of “reason” if you will.
Some days harder than others, others somewhat better at times. High highs and low lows, I’m literally living a rollercoaster of a life. During the bad episodes I always tend to hate myself more. My loved ones feel sad because of me, I’m causing them so much pain so I guess the voices are right. I am a curse to them! Life really might be better off without me.
When I’m happy, I’m really happy! But when I’m sad, I feel as though I’m drowning in lava. There’s this hole I feel in my chest, a strange inexplicable kind of pain. It doesn’t just hurt metaphorically but literally as well!
Do these voices ever go away? Do they ever stop haunting you? The feeling of wanting to “end it all” doesn’t just come from the guilt or the pain of certain experiences, but the burden of putting up with the voices. They’re just so overwhelming to deal with. Can’t they just shut the f*ck up? I hate myself enough already, I don’t need to be reminded of that constantly.
My brother is into all this “personal development” and self help crap, so I decided to give it a shot. I developed a routine which started keeping me in check for some time. I would wake up every morning at 4:30am, make my bed immediately, drink a tall glass of water and practice this “gratitude” thing. I would then meditate on some positive affirmations for 30 minutes.
I would listen to some motivational audio to help block out the voices, Fearless motivation always hits it home! I made it a priority to also do something physical to get my brain going. I got that from Jim Kwik who says, “As your body moves, your brain grooves” and it’s so true!
After doing all this, my brain felt super charged! I was able to read for 45 minutes every single day before my day even got started. It helped me ace my tests, keep up with my courses and all. I had developed a great morning routine that kept my spirits up, kept me in check and overall made me productive. Life was awesome!!
Every time the voice would try to slide into my mind I’d fight it off easily by “flipping the switch”. I was confident, I was positive and I was happy! I loved having a routine. I had it going for about 2 months. Once I had overslept, I felt the domino effect! Little by little nothing would work anymore. I couldn’t wake up early, I couldn’t workout, I couldn’t read, I couldn’t even think anymore. I fell out of the routine and got dumped back into depression.
I’m drowning again! This time the voice came back with a vengeance. It wasn’t rude, it just laughed and teased. “You think you can be saved? You really think you can get yourself together? Ha ha ha! What a joke.” It was so jovial, so playful but so painful.
I’ve tried booze, I’ve tried weed, lean, ecstasy and even coke. Nothing is working, the feelings are just getting more and more magnified. It was fun for a while, “Disconnecting” and just living in the moment, but the relief didn’t last.
The overwhelming feeling of anxiety, pain and helplessness would always creep in. Can I really be saved? Help! Anyone, please? The drugs are keeping me steady for now but I can’t keep this up for long. I’m already broke, I owe everyone I know, I don’t want to start sucking dick for coke. Please !!
I’m willing to try anything. I’m all out of options, I don’t want to live anymore but I’m too scared to die…