Self Revulsion/ “People Pleasing”

I’m sure we’ve all heard the term “self love” right? Nowadays we have so many people who claim that they don’t “love” themselves. It’s quite funny how these same people choose themselves over others in the blink of an eye. Everyone wants to live comfortably, everyone wants to be happy, everyone wants “good” for themselves.

Now, those people love themselves, perhaps not in a narcissistic way, but they do; however, still love themselves!

Allow me to divert for a bit. You know “people pleasers” right? Those people who would bend over backwards just to make others “happy”. They would burn their own bridge to help you build yours. That doesn’t seem like such a bad thing when considering the fact that most of us believe in sacrificial love. That; too, isn’t love! It’s a sickness!

This sickness gives you the impression that you are making people happy at your expense. You’re on some self righteous, self-sacrificial bullshit! If you think the people you love are happy seeing you put yourself trough that, then you’re more insane than you think.

Something has damaged you so bad inside that you’re incapable of allowing yourself to be genuinely happy! You’re incapable of putting yourself first. So any chance you get to put someone first, you take it! They let you down, and you feel good about yourself. You get the be the victim. Hooray!

“Poor me”

“It’s not fair”

“Why me?”

“Am I not good enough?”

“Maybe I don’t deserve happiness”

Sick bastard! If you keep that shit up long enough you’ll be of no use alive. Might as well just off yourself right now yeah? It’s your fucking life, not someone else’s! Don’t get mad that people won’t burn their bridges for you just because you would. It’s not anyone’s fault that you don’t value yourself. Happiness is not “deserved” so if you want it, get it! Period!

Okay so perhaps you never got that “love” or acceptance growing up, you tried to get it from your siblings, failed, friends, failed, relationships, failed! Fail fail fail! So now you decide to take it anyway you can. Regardless of how empty, fake or forced, you just want to feel like you somehow matter, or needed in a way. Truth is, if that’s your thinking, you’ve got your thoughts all twisted and fucked up!

Tell yourself “I’ll be fine” all you want. You won’t! It’s not magic, it won’t just happen. You gotta own your shit and take it as it is. Don’t like it? Bye bye!




noun | xe·no·pho·bia |

ˌze-nə-ˈfō-bē-ə, ˌzē-

: fear and hatred of strangers or foreigners or of anything that is strange or foreign

Merriam-Webster’s definition of “xenophobia”

This is arguably the best definition I’ve come across. Xenophobia is categorized by the fear and hatred of the unknown. Fear in simple terms is cause or reason for alarm.

Fear brings out the worst and the best in us. The worst speaks for itself, I need not mention. The best though; as I’ve seen lately, can really surprise you! From the likes of Julius Malema speaking so much sense, to growing unity.

This fear; often misplaced, is fear nonetheless. Seeing the atrocity that is presently going in South Africa; from the outside, it becomes very easy to get riled up. I too, was so furious when I watched what was happening.

We start wondering why the people behind the xenophobic acts are so cold. “Why?” Just why? We ask. As an African, I’m disappointed. So many people feel strongly about what’s happening and rightly so.

I personally take a lot of pride in being African. A Southern African and West African came together, now here I am. I never quite fit into one place so I’ve always been “foreign”.

This was never a problem for me personally. I actually appreciated it. I don’t have that typical nationalistic mindset. Not to say that it’s bad or anything, it’s just that I now identify as an African. I’m not confined to one thing/place.

I do not belong to one country. When I’m with Zimbabweans, we click. When I meet a Nigerian, I say fam. Ghanaians are my people, Namibia is my home, Botswana is my sanctuary. I relate to Ivorians on another level.

I’ve come to find parts of myself in many different people from all parts of the world. In fact, scratch that! I’m human before I’m African. In China, they accepted me. Yes, they did!

Ok, so they may have been a tad racist and ignorant, but that wasn’t their fault. If you knew how China tries to keep the outside world from its people you’d understand why they are the way they are. Exposure is key.

Once I learnt how to speak their language, we were one. We connected, we bonded, we got along. Many said before getting to know me, they never thought they could like blacks.

Yes! That sounds wrong but it isn’t. We can’t blame people for feeling the way they do or thinking they way they do. As bad as that sounds, it’s the truth.

Sit on your high horse and feel good about yourself for ranting on Twitter. The truth is, your angry tweets won’t change anything. Your hashtags won’t solve anything.

Firstly, before I speak on the Xenophobic South Africans, allow me to start with Boko Haram. Not too long ago the world was going hard on #BringBackOurGirls.

Today, Boko Haram is threatening to go put a stop to Xenophobia and now they’re being hailed and praised. I know, I laughed as I wrote that down too. Funny enough, they laughed and mocked the trending hashtag.

Fact of the matter is, people are people. I will never ever condone inhumane acts. But I won’t pretend like I wouldn’t do the same thing in their shoes. That thing of we are all villains in someone’s story? Yeah!

Before your natural judgy instinct kicks in, hear me out for a bit. Multiple behavioral studies have shown that in the right circumstance, condition and environment, a murderer can be a saint. An “angel” can be a demon. There are no “good” people.

The thing is, these people carrying out these xenophobic attacks are messed up on levels we can never fathom until we ourselves have experienced what they went through. They are as good as dead inside. Inhumane!

As you’re reading this right now, one of 2 things will be going through your mind. One, you’ll either understand what I’m trying to say, or you’ll get all angry and self righteous at my “stupidity”. Take it or leave it, it is what it is.

|| “Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.”

Proverbs 18:2 NLT

Nobody is born wicked. Nobody is born racists. All of that is learnt; or better yet, conditioned. I can only imagine how little humanity exists in one who is capable of watching another person burn alive.

Not flinching, not being moved by the pain their fellow human being is being put through, finding joy or pleasure in hearing the anguish and screams of a dying man.

I’m not asking anyone to forgive these acts, I’m not asking for us to tolerate that, I’m just trying to raise awareness. We’ve been at each other’s throats for the longest time. Kill or be killed, it never ends.

Nothing will change until we change. It’s always nice to be the fighter that people cheer for. You get a heroes death. Sadly your followers suffer for it. They’re left to deal with what’s left after the fighting.

There was racism, there was slavery, there was apartheid, now there’s xenophobia. What’s next? Something much, much worse I fear! We fear each other because we are too divided!

You impact the life of every person you meet. Your encounter can either fuel a person’s hatred, or put out the fire. That tiny spark has a ripple effect and along the line you are responsible for what they turn out to be.

We are all capable of bad, we are all capable of good. Let’s be people first, before anything else, otherwise we ought to just get used to burning each other in one way or the other and use nice little tweets to help sleep better at night.


People Pleasing

An age old story. In one way or the other, we all seek some form of “approval” from people. Overtime this led to going as far as trying to “please” people, just for that approval.

Honestly, I can’t claim to be completely over it. Seriously though, nobody wants to be disliked or hated on. But is people pleasing all that bad? In some ways it’s a good thing, actually, it can push you to put out the very best possible. It can “raise” your standards.

However, it gets plain out stupid when it stops you from being your true self, or when it stands in the way of you living your life. (Not that thing people do by simply breathing and waking up every morning).

I’ve said this so many times; and I wish I came up with it; sadly I didn’t, there’s no such thing as pleasing people. In one way or the other, they will always find fault with what you do or do not do.

And this is a good thing! Because if it’s true that there’s no pleasing people, then that also means that there’s no disappointing them as well. Think about it, if you can’t please me, and I know it, how then will I be disappointed?

So let go and let God, as they say… Live your life! Make your choices, not someone else’s. Nobody really cares and it doesn’t matter if they do or not. It’s your life, live it, love it!


PTSD from wisdom tooth extraction

Did you know that you can actually suffer from traumatic stress disorder, as a result of getting your teeth removed? Neither did I…

As mentioned in my previous blog post, I endured a tremendous amount of pain. I’m unable to sleep because every time I close my eyes I have flashbacks.

I recall the dentist going to town in my mouth. I feel the curette and dental scaler probing around my teeth, the pressure, the tension and pain as the tooth was being plucked out…

I’m literally reliving it all and now I can’t sleep. I’m exhausted! I tried watching some of my favorite series but I’m too tired. So what, then, can I possibly do?

I found a site, and they’re really helping me get vital information. I appreciate it, but what I need now is a way to pass out and get some much needed shut eye.

Anyway, advice! Do not get local anesthesia for a horizontally impacted wisdom tooth. If you do, don’t “endure the pain” like I did, unless you’re used to being tortured.

That’s what it was actually! Torture! Treacherous torment! I regret pushing myself to finish the operation, I regret telling myself to “be a man!”

Don’t be me, don’t deceive yourself! It’s all fun and games till you keep reliving the moment you thought would be over and done with soon.


The truth about Wisdom teeth extraction & what you should know.

I know this isn’t my usual mental health/motivational post but kindly bare with me.

So today I had my very first dental surgery done. A week prior to that, I had done extensive research on what to expect, both post and pre op.

The pre op was said to be more of mental battle, but surprisingly the post op turned out to be more traumatic for me. Or should I say, is turning out rather considering I’m still up…

Now, before I give you my account, it’s very important to know that we all have different issues and react differently to said issues. Don’t get scared! Do not freak out. I do not want to scare anyone because if I had read my article pre op, I wouldn’t have gone through with it.

But it’s important to know everything you possibly can before going through with it. Not all cases of impacted teeth need to be surgically removed, and a very wise dentist once said, “pain free doesn’t mean disease free”. Yes, you may dread about 10 minutes to an hour of one of the most excruciating pain imaginable, but a diseased tooth hurts a lot more!

I was given 6 vials of local anesthesia, got injected a number of times, about 12 times to be precise. Lidocaine. It felt amazing, I was getting cut open and felt no pain. I felt the pressure as described on a dental YouTube channel.

It was a breeze. I was more worried about the injection, seeing as I’m not a fan of needles. After the numbness kicked in, I was home free!

Or so I thought. A normal procedure takes 30 minutes, mine took 3 hours. That’s why I said, don’t be frightened, you may not go through what I did. Yes! It took 3 hours to remove a single tooth.

During the surgery I begged for more anesthesia. I believe it’s your right to do so, after all, you will be paying for it anyway. Sadly, it didn’t do much in terms of stopping the nerve pain.

Even getting stitched up was painful. So I got the instructions on how to recover, I was so relieved. I wanted to leave this out but hey, what the heck! I actually shed a lotta tears. I wasn’t crying crying, but the tears were flooding out.

My dentist was really cool, he really empathized with me and mentioned that it’s very unpleasant for him to see me in so much pain. Like I said, the mental aspect plays a huge role. You have to be emotionally in check.

So, keep in mind, this was my personal experience. I was unfortunate. As I said, I did extensive research and follow ups. People don’t normally feel the pain after anesthesia has been administered.

Regardless of how we all react differently, it’s important to mentally prepare yourself. I’m pretty much scarred. I can’t sleep, not because of any pain, but because the images and sounds keep replaying in my mind.

It was hell! I have one more impacted tooth and I’m really doubting the likelihood of going through that procedure again. Not only was it unbearable, now I have to deal with the fear of getting what they call “dry socket”.

I don’t smoke (anymore), I’m willing to drink my food for some time and avoid pepper. I’m not going to suck from a straw, I don’t even mind going on a dry fast! I just don’t want to deal with the gruesome pain again! Sucks to know a dry socket actually hurts a lot more than what I went through.

Before I conclude, perhaps a few tips are in order. Before surgery, prepare yourself mentally, you may be fortunate and not have to go through what I did, but you can’t be too sure! I wasn’t mentally prepared because all the videos said no pain, I felt pain! A lot of it!

During the operation, don’t hesitate to let the doctor know exactly how much pain you’re in. I had a headache and also started shaking for some reason. They gave me some meds and we were able to continue and finish up the surgery. Perhaps it’s also good to avoid removing more than one tooth at once, unless you get sedated.

Lastly, after the surgery, follow the instructions the dentist gives, every single detail! Ask questions if you have to, don’t be shy. Get home, take your meds as prescribed, avoid straining yourself and do not interfere with the healing process. Thanks for reading, and good luck!


Emotionally Fvckd

The first time I strangled someone I was lost for words. I had anticipated a wave of emotions or some form of remorse, at the very least. It was surprisingly invigorating. I enjoyed watching the life drain out of him. I think I felt myself reach a climax as he drew his last breath. It was it this moment I knew that I had finally died inside. I no longer had regard for human life, or anything really.

About a week later, I took a stroll around Glasgow Central park. It was a nice day. Not the typical cliché “beautiful sunny day” all these normal folk describe, but a rather darker, cloudy day. I’m not too fond of the sun. She’s a tad too intense for my liking.

I found myself overwhelmed with emotion. I saw a little boy crying over a dropped Ice Cream cone. I could feel the pain and disappointment in his heart. I tried to fight back the tears but, for some odd reason I just couldn’t get a grip. I’ve seen people die, I’ve experienced great loss, I’ve even killed and not once have I been moved. Why, then, was I getting so worked up over something so trivial?

I’m no psychologist or whatever, so instead of wasting my time trying to figure out something that’s beyond me, I decided to get my mind off things. I went to a bar and, as usual, had a flood of guys just worshiping at my feet. We had a few drinks, I invited one of them over and murdered the bloke. What a relief! Now I can have a good night’s rest.


avoiding the noose

I wrote this article when I was 18 or 19. I don’t remember which but I’m sure I was still a teenager. You’d realize it’s old when you read it. I was going through my old stuff and I thought I would share it with you. I hope it helps you in more ways than one, whether you’re suicidal or you inadvertently push people towards the noose.

Quite recently, there have been a lot of suicides in the country. When the first one that went public happened, we were all quite a bit shocked but then, we said it was one of those things. Then, there was another one. We were shocked again but then, Ghanaians being Ghanaians, we took it in stride. Then, there was the third. That was when alarm bells started ringing. And there were even more. Ghanaians again being Ghanaians, we began to find reasons and…

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